Thursday, August 05, 2004
Crab God |8:36 AM| As I may have already mentioned, I purchased a crab. I purchased other fish for my fish tank, but for the moment the crab is getting most of my attention.
He's kind of cute, for a horrid little monster. For a creature that so closely resembles an armored spider, I don't feel the same immediate aggression as I do towards actual, land based arachnids.
The crab in question is called a red claw crab, but that's about the limit on reliable information that I can find on this creature.
Crabs are a little below dogs and cats in the level of "cuddliness" they possess. It certainly doesn't help that I'm about (consult google for weight conversion) 700 times larger than he is. His current behavior when I open the tank is to scuttle into his hiding places. This doesn't surprise me, seeing as the crab has a cluster of nerve endings serving as a brain, and a long term memory of about 15 seconds.
I suppose that for each crab, their life resembles the movie Memento. "So what am I doing? Scuttling...right. Scuttling." Of course, were they to get tiny tattoos to remind them of the meaning of their lives it surely wouldn't be one demanding revenge or the record of some terrible wrong. It'd probably just be "food tastes good".
It must be quite the religious experience each day for the crab, when I walk up to its universe.
"Scuttle...scuttle...dig. Digging. Digging...scuttle. Pinch claws. Scutt...HOLY FUCKTOIDS WHAT IS THAT?.....Oh hey there's food here. Eat. Scuttle..."
The crab probably isn't ever going to see me as anything more than a terrifying god that can change space and time, so I'm not training him to sit up, beg, or roll over any time soon. I wasn't aware he could hang upside down in his little cave, but it's not like there's a quick command for that trick. Well, besides tapping on the glass and saying "Hey! You fuckin' crab!" but that would scare the crab and possibly kill it, wasting my $2.99 investment.
I am still amused at watching him eat. If you want to imitate a crab, just move your arms in such a way that your hands come to your mouth but your wrists stay straight. Do it slowly, as if the very action depresses the hell out of you.
I suppose I could try an put a leash on the crab, assuming it wouldn't just clip right through it. However, I think the whole process of me trying to walk the crab would be immensely stressful for said crustacean.
"Hey, what's going on, what's this on my head? What the HOLY JEEEEEESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?....Hey, what's going on, what's this on my head?...."
(0) comments
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Vinny and the invertebrate aquatic life |5:47 PM|
Greetings, this post is being posted via Portal, as I cannot currently update this Blog. How amusing.
I bought crabs yesterday. I'm tempted to say "I got crabs!" Ha ha! Like the venereal lice! But I'll resist. They're really cute for horrible little invertebrate monsters. Portal was the last holdout among people who questioned the existence of freshwater crabs, as I found out only after their existence was verified by observation. She was then unsure about how good a pet they would be, until she saw one decide to just start climbing a fake plant, pinch by pinch.
Now my giant tank is a little less empty. I filled the floor with living and plastic plants, as crabs like to run and hide, and climb on things. I also bought a catfish who we have named "Vinny" because of his mustache. Naming the crabs would be tough, as I can't tell the difference between the two, so collectively they're just "The crabs" or "Inchy and Pinchy". Whichever.
The work proxy server is pissing me off, again. The I/T guys have been blocking a great many websites, and that's expected. It's one thing when they block recreational websites, and make my job a bit tougher to tolerate, but it's quite another when they start blocking websites that could be considered resource sites. Shareware.com has been blocked all of a sudden, and infuriatingly, the reason given in the "Blocked" window is that it has been classified as "chat".
"Chat"? A goddamn database of files? It's clear they've just gotten lazy, and "chat" is the first thing in whatever automated tool they're using to adjust what's blocked. I was able to find the SNMP query tool I needed through other means, but seeing as Google didn't work for me for most of yesterday, cutting off a secondary source of files was just obnoxious.
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A story of aquatic justice |1:46 PM| Back when I was in 4th grade, our classroom had a fish tank. In this modest tank were a variety of colorful freshwater fish, a catfish or two, a crab, and a medium sized frog. The frog lacked a real name, but I'm going to call him Jumpy.
Jumpy was the end result of a previous class project on metamorphosis. We had watched as he grew from a tadpole, to a tadpole with creepy appendages, to a little green frog. Weird stuff. He was added to the tank and fed daily.
I have no idea where we got the tiny crab, Pinchy, I assume he was purchased by the teacher. He lacked immediately obvious educational value. But seeing a little orange crab walk sideways and try to dig little holes in the gravel was fascinating to watch.
Pinchy was often trying to escape from the tank, usually by climbing the air tube. Upon reaching the top he would find he had nowhere to go, and a student would helpfully poke him off the air line so he could fall flailing his little pincers to the gravel. I would think he would have cursed like a true sailor, had he vocal chords. Or language.
One day, fish began turning up dead. We couldn't figure out what was killing them, but they were really torn up by whatever was offing the helpless bastards. Since one of Pinchy's hobbys was taking wild swings at the fish, he was the primary suspect. We couldn't deliver a death sentence, however, without proof. The crab had no idea it was living on borrowed time. The crab was likely not even aware it was alive, but that's beside the point.
At some point, an older student the teacher knew pointed out that our particular frog was very predatory, and was likely the actual cause of the fish killings. I still remember how the teacher described its hunting style, which was to "Wait" (She bugged out her eyes) "See something swim past" (Bugged out eyes begin roving) "SLOOOORP!" (A great deal of air sucked into her mouth, as her arms swung out and in to capture the imaginary fish. The process was obviously lethal.
After a special separation was put in the tank, the fish stopped dying, and Jumpy was forever in solitary confinement.
Pinchy continued to dig his holes.
Jumpy continued to swim, alone, in his minimum security prison. Until one day, Pinchy got under the wall. Jumpy (so far as I could tell) swam close to investigate his visitor, and to probably eat him. Pinchy, with skill gained through long months of being a crab, made a sudden swipe, and latched onto to Jumpy's nose.
Now, I almost never think an animal in pain is funny. It's usually sickening. But as my friends and I watched the murderous frog and his flailing passenger bounce off of every wall in the tank, we nearly pissed our pants laughing. Pistoning legs, and a crab holding as it was whipped like a flag in a hurricaine, that was pure comedy.
What could have possibly passed through the teeny tiny brains of those two? Jumpy, his whole existence now a blazing nostril pain, was probably thinking the frog equivalent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK JUMP MY ONLY CHOICE IS JUMP JUMP FUCK FUCK FUCK".
Meanwhile Pinchy, if anything was going on that ganglia case, was probably not "Oh shit I caught one and now I'm a big bird. Oooooh boy. Only thing I know how to do is pinch, so I'll PINCH HARDER."
Eventually, Pinchy tired or was distracted, and he fell off of his foe, unharmed. As for Jumpy, had it any ability to learn, I'm sure that frog would never have SLOOORP'd again.
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
What if he DID have them in stock?! |6:41 PM| I was calling around town, trying to find those genetically modified fish, the zebras they made glow in the dark with some gene tinkering. The ones that are banned from being sold or brought into California (They fear science). I've aquired a big goddamn fish tank and I plan on (eventually) owning said fish. I'll probably get one (1) goldfish and see how long I can keep him alive. I hope he's not agoraphobic, as it will be the only thing inside of a 45 gallon monster. Anyhow, on to the story, in which I am seeking the strange GloFish(tm) modified zebra.
I called Herpeton's, which is the weird pet shop here in Austin, according to sources named Vid. A slowly speaking man picked up.
Cecil: "Hi there! I'm looking for those genetically modified zebras, the ones that glow?"
Guy: "No, sorry, we don't have any"
I hung up. Vid, who had heard the conversation, spoke up.
Vid: "You know, you didn't say 'fish'."
Cecil: "Eh?"
Vid: "You asked for 'Genetically modified glowing zebras'. He thought you were prank calling him."
I called back, and got the same slow-voiced employee.
Cecil: "Hi! I just called, and I was looking for the glow in the dark fish, the modified zebra fish. Not glow in the dark zebras."
Guy: "Uh huh, no, we don't carry any fish."
Cecil: "Oh, okay. I just didn't want you to think I was a lunatic"
Guy: "Uh huh."
I guess I should have been less worried about him being shocked. He works at an exotic pet store, half of his customers are probably killed 2 days after they buy their poisonous electric flying eels or whatever. I'm sure he's getting much stranger calls than a guy asking for psuedo-horses that give off light.
Herpeton's guy: "Herpetons, how may I help you?"
Caller: "Yeah, uh, I'm looking for uh, some vicious pirahna, you know, that could eat about 170, maybe 190 pounds of meat? Dead meat? That's in a bathtub?"
Guy: "Sorry, we don't carry any fish."
Or...
Caller: "I'm looking for a toothless lamprey, something that would be able to latch onto an object about 6-7 inches long, about an inch or so in diameter?"
H. Guy: "Sorry. No fish."
(0) comments
Crab God |8:36 AM| As I may have already mentioned, I purchased a crab. I purchased other fish for my fish tank, but for the moment the crab is getting most of my attention.
He's kind of cute, for a horrid little monster. For a creature that so closely resembles an armored spider, I don't feel the same immediate aggression as I do towards actual, land based arachnids.
The crab in question is called a red claw crab, but that's about the limit on reliable information that I can find on this creature.
Crabs are a little below dogs and cats in the level of "cuddliness" they possess. It certainly doesn't help that I'm about (consult google for weight conversion) 700 times larger than he is. His current behavior when I open the tank is to scuttle into his hiding places. This doesn't surprise me, seeing as the crab has a cluster of nerve endings serving as a brain, and a long term memory of about 15 seconds.
I suppose that for each crab, their life resembles the movie Memento. "So what am I doing? Scuttling...right. Scuttling." Of course, were they to get tiny tattoos to remind them of the meaning of their lives it surely wouldn't be one demanding revenge or the record of some terrible wrong. It'd probably just be "food tastes good".
It must be quite the religious experience each day for the crab, when I walk up to its universe.
"Scuttle...scuttle...dig. Digging. Digging...scuttle. Pinch claws. Scutt...HOLY FUCKTOIDS WHAT IS THAT?.....Oh hey there's food here. Eat. Scuttle..."
The crab probably isn't ever going to see me as anything more than a terrifying god that can change space and time, so I'm not training him to sit up, beg, or roll over any time soon. I wasn't aware he could hang upside down in his little cave, but it's not like there's a quick command for that trick. Well, besides tapping on the glass and saying "Hey! You fuckin' crab!" but that would scare the crab and possibly kill it, wasting my $2.99 investment.
I am still amused at watching him eat. If you want to imitate a crab, just move your arms in such a way that your hands come to your mouth but your wrists stay straight. Do it slowly, as if the very action depresses the hell out of you.
I suppose I could try an put a leash on the crab, assuming it wouldn't just clip right through it. However, I think the whole process of me trying to walk the crab would be immensely stressful for said crustacean.
"Hey, what's going on, what's this on my head? What the HOLY JEEEEEESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?....Hey, what's going on, what's this on my head?...."
Labels: Broken Links, Fish, Pictures
(0) comments
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Vinny and the invertebrate aquatic life |5:47 PM|
Greetings, this post is being posted via Portal, as I cannot currently update this Blog. How amusing.
I bought crabs yesterday. I'm tempted to say "I got crabs!" Ha ha! Like the venereal lice! But I'll resist. They're really cute for horrible little invertebrate monsters. Portal was the last holdout among people who questioned the existence of freshwater crabs, as I found out only after their existence was verified by observation. She was then unsure about how good a pet they would be, until she saw one decide to just start climbing a fake plant, pinch by pinch.
Now my giant tank is a little less empty. I filled the floor with living and plastic plants, as crabs like to run and hide, and climb on things. I also bought a catfish who we have named "Vinny" because of his mustache. Naming the crabs would be tough, as I can't tell the difference between the two, so collectively they're just "The crabs" or "Inchy and Pinchy". Whichever.
The work proxy server is pissing me off, again. The I/T guys have been blocking a great many websites, and that's expected. It's one thing when they block recreational websites, and make my job a bit tougher to tolerate, but it's quite another when they start blocking websites that could be considered resource sites. Shareware.com has been blocked all of a sudden, and infuriatingly, the reason given in the "Blocked" window is that it has been classified as "chat".
"Chat"? A goddamn database of files? It's clear they've just gotten lazy, and "chat" is the first thing in whatever automated tool they're using to adjust what's blocked. I was able to find the SNMP query tool I needed through other means, but seeing as Google didn't work for me for most of yesterday, cutting off a secondary source of files was just obnoxious.
Labels: Fish
(0) comments
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A story of aquatic justice |1:46 PM| Back when I was in 4th grade, our classroom had a fish tank. In this modest tank were a variety of colorful freshwater fish, a catfish or two, a crab, and a medium sized frog. The frog lacked a real name, but I'm going to call him Jumpy.
Jumpy was the end result of a previous class project on metamorphosis. We had watched as he grew from a tadpole, to a tadpole with creepy appendages, to a little green frog. Weird stuff. He was added to the tank and fed daily.
I have no idea where we got the tiny crab, Pinchy, I assume he was purchased by the teacher. He lacked immediately obvious educational value. But seeing a little orange crab walk sideways and try to dig little holes in the gravel was fascinating to watch.
Pinchy was often trying to escape from the tank, usually by climbing the air tube. Upon reaching the top he would find he had nowhere to go, and a student would helpfully poke him off the air line so he could fall flailing his little pincers to the gravel. I would think he would have cursed like a true sailor, had he vocal chords. Or language.
One day, fish began turning up dead. We couldn't figure out what was killing them, but they were really torn up by whatever was offing the helpless bastards. Since one of Pinchy's hobbys was taking wild swings at the fish, he was the primary suspect. We couldn't deliver a death sentence, however, without proof. The crab had no idea it was living on borrowed time. The crab was likely not even aware it was alive, but that's beside the point.
At some point, an older student the teacher knew pointed out that our particular frog was very predatory, and was likely the actual cause of the fish killings. I still remember how the teacher described its hunting style, which was to "Wait" (She bugged out her eyes) "See something swim past" (Bugged out eyes begin roving) "SLOOOORP!" (A great deal of air sucked into her mouth, as her arms swung out and in to capture the imaginary fish. The process was obviously lethal.
After a special separation was put in the tank, the fish stopped dying, and Jumpy was forever in solitary confinement.
Pinchy continued to dig his holes.
Jumpy continued to swim, alone, in his minimum security prison. Until one day, Pinchy got under the wall. Jumpy (so far as I could tell) swam close to investigate his visitor, and to probably eat him. Pinchy, with skill gained through long months of being a crab, made a sudden swipe, and latched onto to Jumpy's nose.
Now, I almost never think an animal in pain is funny. It's usually sickening. But as my friends and I watched the murderous frog and his flailing passenger bounce off of every wall in the tank, we nearly pissed our pants laughing. Pistoning legs, and a crab holding as it was whipped like a flag in a hurricaine, that was pure comedy.
What could have possibly passed through the teeny tiny brains of those two? Jumpy, his whole existence now a blazing nostril pain, was probably thinking the frog equivalent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK JUMP MY ONLY CHOICE IS JUMP JUMP FUCK FUCK FUCK".
Meanwhile Pinchy, if anything was going on that ganglia case, was probably not "Oh shit I caught one and now I'm a big bird. Oooooh boy. Only thing I know how to do is pinch, so I'll PINCH HARDER."
Eventually, Pinchy tired or was distracted, and he fell off of his foe, unharmed. As for Jumpy, had it any ability to learn, I'm sure that frog would never have SLOOORP'd again.
Labels: Fish
(0) comments
Thursday, July 01, 2004
What if he DID have them in stock?! |6:41 PM| I was calling around town, trying to find those genetically modified fish, the zebras they made glow in the dark with some gene tinkering. The ones that are banned from being sold or brought into California (They fear science). I've aquired a big goddamn fish tank and I plan on (eventually) owning said fish. I'll probably get one (1) goldfish and see how long I can keep him alive. I hope he's not agoraphobic, as it will be the only thing inside of a 45 gallon monster. Anyhow, on to the story, in which I am seeking the strange GloFish(tm) modified zebra.
I called Herpeton's, which is the weird pet shop here in Austin, according to sources named Vid. A slowly speaking man picked up.
Cecil: "Hi there! I'm looking for those genetically modified zebras, the ones that glow?"
Guy: "No, sorry, we don't have any"
I hung up. Vid, who had heard the conversation, spoke up.
Vid: "You know, you didn't say 'fish'."
Cecil: "Eh?"
Vid: "You asked for 'Genetically modified glowing zebras'. He thought you were prank calling him."
I called back, and got the same slow-voiced employee.
Cecil: "Hi! I just called, and I was looking for the glow in the dark fish, the modified zebra fish. Not glow in the dark zebras."
Guy: "Uh huh, no, we don't carry any fish."
Cecil: "Oh, okay. I just didn't want you to think I was a lunatic"
Guy: "Uh huh."
I guess I should have been less worried about him being shocked. He works at an exotic pet store, half of his customers are probably killed 2 days after they buy their poisonous electric flying eels or whatever. I'm sure he's getting much stranger calls than a guy asking for psuedo-horses that give off light.
Herpeton's guy: "Herpetons, how may I help you?"
Caller: "Yeah, uh, I'm looking for uh, some vicious pirahna, you know, that could eat about 170, maybe 190 pounds of meat? Dead meat? That's in a bathtub?"
Guy: "Sorry, we don't carry any fish."
Or...
Caller: "I'm looking for a toothless lamprey, something that would be able to latch onto an object about 6-7 inches long, about an inch or so in diameter?"
H. Guy: "Sorry. No fish."
(0) comments
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