Monday, January 04, 2010
Up late again |4:01 AM| I am a bit bothered by how there's not a chore I'm avoiding when it comes to "getting better".
To clarify, I'm a terrible procrastinator. Unpleasant phone calls, annoying chores, studying for difficult lab practicals, these are all things I have to fight to accomplish. Treatment for ADHD aside, this is still an aspect of my personality. I still do these things, I still do my jobs, but it's a struggle.
Back to my original point, getting better, emotionally I mean, isn't something I'm avoiding. There's not some task I can "just go do". At least, as far as I can tell.
I have a feeling I've written something similar to this in the past.
Working out, that might help.
(0) comments
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I fucked up at sleeping. |4:24 AM| Oh you dumb bastard.
"Can't sleep, must be that caffeine in that damn root beer"
I went to open screen night hoping to make a quick $100 with chicken ass, one of the first movies my crew and I made. Yes, it also "stars" me. This breaks the rule I'd hoped to follow of "Never appear in own movies". My performance is mostly making faces and yelling.
In any case, I had root beer, which was clearly caffeinated as I cannot get to sleep.
An additional detail is that I'm supposed to go to bed by 10pm on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Mondays. Otherwise a nice lady gets very upset at me, which is a drag.
I got a call at 2am from said lady(I didn't even realize it was that late) and I was totally fucking busted. I was berated, which I totally deserved.
I'm still hurting from some dental work, and I have a bottle of vicodin for the pain. I pulled a couple of these out and put them into my portable pharmacy, the orange bottle I take everywhere, with its galaxy of pills.
This bottle also contains that nasty little habit of mine, NoDoz. I had been avoiding caffeine again in an attempt to quit it. I did not intend to have caffeinated root beer, or to even drink soda of any kind, but pizza tastes so much better with it.
The vicodin looks remarkably like NoDoz, or vice versa.
CAN YOU GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING
I decide "My mouth hurts, and I should be sleeping right now."
I pull a small white pill out of the bottle, pop it, and expect drowsiness to overtake me.
It does not. And the pain in my jaw does not fade. In fact, I get more and more awake.
FUCK
I count the number of no Doz in the bottle, and whatta ya know. One less than I put in. In case I needed another hint I am manic and hyper, and typing a whole lot of crap in AIM and in this blog.
Life's a drag.
(0) comments
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Drug Ad |12:07 AM| I was just recently a part of a drug ad re-enactment. Eh, better way to start this is that I got busted for my substance abuse problem.
I was bringing over some groceries to a friend's house, and I'd left my own, earlier purchase in one of the bags. My friend zeroes in on it immediately, grabs it, and yells "What is THIS? Why do you have this?!"
Shit. I grinned in what I hoped was a sheepish fashion, while feeling about 11 years old.
"Why are you taking these?" pointedly asked. Ah, man, was she actually a little concerned? Shit.
What would have been awesome(lame) is if I'd replied with what occurred to me at the time, which was "I LEARNED FROM YOU, OKAY! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU" but I was caught off guard enough that I couldn't get the wise ass pop-culture reference out.
After a couple "uuhhhs" I said that I had to, that I was studying for the big cert test.
"But you're just taking them for that, you're going to stop?" she asked.
"Oh, of course!" was my truthful reply (I hope).
I had been busted, yet again, for possesion of No-doz. Ruiner of holidays! Destroyer of sleep schedules! Saviour of the San Antonio project! Stimulant of ages!
I need to get back to said cert test, which is why I haven't finished this goddamn shelf thing, that has converted my kitchen into a lumber mill (Highly educational, design and construction wise, though) or finished fixing the damn furry videos.
I shouldn't have gone out for the couple hours I did, but I had to get out of this fiery hell hole, which I'll explain tommorow.
(2) comments
Monday, July 12, 2004
Tyranny Of Caffeine |9:36 AM| Damn I feel better. After a horrifying headache and some extremely low energy levels, it seems my body has stopped punishing me for my quitting of caffeine. I feel a hell of a lot better than I have in a long time. I don't have proof that my improved mood is a result of my better diet, but I don't see any other immediate cause. Portal said she could see the difference immediately, especially in my eyes.
I cleaned up the apartment, assembled the crazy ass leaning bookshelf and even set up the fishtank. It was a productive weekend, and my mood was swell. That is until I came to work and was in traffic so terrible I fell asleep while waiting. I then spent 20 minutes at the front desk waiting to be processed through the horrific "badge expired" process. I've bitched about it before but goddamn, sometimes it seems it'd be easier to just drive my car through a window than to follow the rules here.
In response here is the text of an actual trouble ticket.
This makes me feel superior to the company in which I work. Take that to mean the people, or the corporation.
Edit:
If ever you needed a way to feel superior to your common man, the IMDB Message Boards can certainly provide it.
The Devil at your heels available for purchase. From the National Film Board of Canada. For $40.
Additionally, the comment system may be working for alternative browsers. Or it might not be. If it still isn't working, please trying to go to the archive version of the page (Click the time stamp) and then see if it works. That will provide me with useful information.
(0) comments
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Cookie Calender |10:01 AM| How long can I last?
I'm using a single cookie as a measurement of how together I am today. I have eaten all of its comrades from the container, and I want to see how long I can go before I eat the last one. Will it be temptation? Hunger? Or will I forget and absent-mindedly eat the damn thing?
Mmmmm.
No! I mustn't give into the temptation.
Anyhow, I'm fucking bored, my job doesn't have a purpose, and I want to dislocate all of the fingers in my left hand so I can wriggle them around near people in the breakroom so they get the fuck out of my way.
Edit: As of 1:02 pm I have eaten that goddamn cookie, and it was good. Reason for eating: If I had left it out much longer it probably would have gone bad.
Tiny Story
On this page of fireworks that Vid found, I'd like to point out the description of the M-85 tank.
Emphasis mine.
I like that this tiny tank had a story, a plot, a mission that needed to be completed. It burned not just for itself, but for a greater purpose. A task assigned itself by its maker.
With each detonation of gunpowder, a tiny bit of the story is told just like the subtle motions of the hula dancer, but with more explosions and fire.
Also, I have composed a short ditty on the effects of prescription amphetamines.
Pills pills, the magical bliss;
The more you eat, the more you piss.
(0) comments
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Actually posting. |1:02 AM| Earlier this week I made a post called "Signs you may becoming emotionally unstable" but I thought it a bad idea to write something that made me sound...unhinged. But to hell with it. It's my goddamn blog. This was written before work, on one of the days I spent wallowing in a puddle of depression from the failure of my goddamn drugs. How Goth.
Signs you may becoming emotionally unstable"
Doorknobs bother you.
Given the choice between world peace and the ability to kill that tailgater behind you with your mind, it would be a tough call.
Getting out of bed in the morning becomes a near insurmountable task.
-After managing to get out of bed, you reward yourself with a quick nap, that turns out to last the better part of a weekend.
The sound of your telephone's ringer inspires a near violent feeling of rage.
You try to play music by bouncing your head off various parts of your desk.
You feel as satisfied with doing the dishes as if you had just witnessed your worst enemy hit by a bus, after which he cracked open like a pinata revealing a large cache of money orders made out to you.
The font used for the "SnugTop" logo on pickup bed caps is ugly enough to make you feel ill.
(61) comments
Monday, May 24, 2004
Please don't make that face while driving |3:09 PM| I was driving along with Portal the other day, and I was experiencing the weird drug induced anger I've been fighting for the past couple weeks. It tends to show itself more often in the car, as most other drivers are, to be honest, the worst human beings who have ever been born.
A greater number of them than usual were demonstrating just how much they needed to be converted into a protein paste, to be used for feeding of endangered birds so that their pathetic lives would have some purpose and meaning besides simply getting in my fucking way.
It was only when Portal asked me to stop "Making that face" and I asked "What face?" through gritted teeth that I realized I was making a face at all. The whole time I'd been driving, my eyes had been wide open, my cheeks stretched out, and my lips had been yanked across my clenched teeth. A good poker face, I do not have. But I wonder how many people had seen me.
Also, comments.
Since the blogger comment system was pissing me off, I'm trying a new comment system. Wow, you even get to use anonymous commenting, if you so wish.
Please try it out, you don't have to sign your real name, and I want to make sure it works. If something breaks, I've pissed you off, or whatever, let me know via the comments.
If you've read the post, or liked the post, please let me know on the comment screen as well.
Edit: I keep forgetting to post this.
It's that goddamn dancing banana that Vorpal loves, but from the color it is you can ascertain the current US terror alert level! This is fantastic.
Speaking of terror alert level, try this fun Propaganda game. There's a couple times when they put a more political spin on what happened to some celebrities (Like Michael Moore and Howard Stern), and it is 100% anti-bush propaganda, but give it a shot.
Also:
This fellow is using the bluetooth capabilities of his cellphone as a way to get online with his laptop. Though I do not have a laptop, I do have a handheld, one that supports bluetooth. The idea of a $10 a month flat fee that would free me from T-mobile or one of those other wallet plunderers is exciting.
(0) comments
Friday, April 30, 2004
Anger Cycle |9:54 PM| My body is eating itself from the inside out, as I seem to have developed an ulcer. How cliche.
A couple days ago, due to drug side effects apparently, I was intensely angry in an unfocused fashion. Drivers on the road made me nearly go insane, being out of orange juice in my house built up rage inside. I knew at the time it was stupid and a chemical issue, but I still managed to get so angry that my stomach started hurting. No matter, I thought, it'll go away soon.
It didn't go away for several hours after I had calmed down. A churning, burning feeling in my stomach.
Days later (as in, yesterday) several events came together to make me as angry as I've felt in a long damned time. The power was cut off early, the was a previous balance I had to pay, the goddamn robot was apparently sent off to la-la land, and some other crap. What's important is I was so damned angry that the feeling in my pit came back, almost painful enough to incapacitate me. Luckily I had Akido class to calm down, but for long after (well into today) my stomach was churning and painful. I began belching violently this morning and didn't stop completely until now.
I'm calling the Doc as soon as possible. But now I can't get angry or it hurts, which pisses me off, which hurts, which pisses me off. I have to spend a lot of time on the phone chanting to myself "Don't get pissed, don't get pissed..."
This blows.
(0) comments
Thursday, April 08, 2004
The Doc |4:09 PM| I went to the doctor today, he upped my dosage of Effexor again. In 3 or 4 days I'll hopefully notice an improvement.
He also confirmed what I suspected, that the occasional suggestions for me to try a different ADHD medication had a duel purpose. First, to see if it worked better than Adderall, and second, to gather information for the rest of his patients. I guess being a textbook case of ADHD makes for a valuable test bed. I don't mind, I get to try crazy pills for free every couple of months.
Having what amounts to a chemical dependent brain would shock the "me" from 7 years ago. Back then I still thought that most prescription pills were a bad move, and that it was best if I "stayed clean" of everything from booze, smokes, and anything stronger than an antibiotic.
I don't want to make my doc sound like a monster, or a some kind of mad man who occasionally pokes me only to ask "Did that hurt?". My doctor kicks a lot of ass. He's helped me immensely, but beyond that he's a nice guy. He also curses for emphasis. "These packages say that the drug inside is expired, but that's bullshit. They're still good for a couple more months at least". In the past, he's helped me through financial issues by getting me free sample cards, samples of actual drugs, and writing scripts in a way that maximizes my insurance coverage. Good guy.
(0) comments
Monday, April 05, 2004
LANs, space-outs, and hydro planing. |9:27 AM| Yes, I went to a LAN party. I'm an enormous goddamn dork. We got our asses kicked online at UT2k4 which was humiliating, but we had some better moments on cooperative games like "Splinter Cell" and "System Shock 2" (Of all things)
I have to call Cantu today, and get in as soon as possible. I've been spacing out, acting generally mopey, and feeling like crap a bit too long. You can chalk it up to illness only so long, and if upping the dosage doesn't work, it's time to try new drugs. That is, if it's clearly your defective head meat giving you guff. New drugs should not be tried if you're just having a bad week. Unless of course "bad week" for you involves being bitten in half by a bear, in which case do whatever the fuck you want, Captain Torso.
Vid is on vacation, so I'm covering two phones and three email boxes. It's joy, let me tell you.
Try this out instead of listening to me bitch: Reflections
(0) comments
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Taking the fighting to the spammers...but first a nap. |8:39 AM| As I continue to forget to do stuff, like linking to all the Furry Fuzz movies (From when I was busted by sexual deviants for crashing their party), I also forget to do useful life stuff, like grocery shopping. And ordering robotics kits.
The last month or so has seen me sick 5 days out of each 7, and last night was not an exception. Portal picked up some kind of damn influenza, and I wonder if I'm coming down with it yet. I know I was working through a couple infections last week, and last night felt the same as then. Either way I was asleep until 6am today and so I didn't get the new UT or get my girlfriend to the grocery store. Sorry Portal.
I also forgot to post a thread on SA about a scriptable Wget, so I can relaunch my own damn website. One thing I realized is that I'm going to have to tighten security of this site a great deal. Such as, changing the primary site password (which the old system said couldn't be done, but c'mon guys, that's idiotic) cleaning out old email boxes, and basically battening down the hatches. If the relaunch goes to plan, I'll probably be attracting a lot of the wrong kinds of attention.
I may also have to switch to movable type for my blog here, which would be a shame. You folks wouldn't notice a difference, but I like the spellcheck here, though I've been using it less. Maybe I could hire Sinclair to copy edit for me. I think he'd stab me right in the face.
(0) comments
Friday, March 05, 2004
|7:56 AM| I'm getting tired of being vaguely ill. My sleep is feverish, with bizzare dreams, and it takes too long for me to be rested. I find myself putting on a jacket and turning on a fan in an attempt to find a comfortable temperature. The level of available energy I have is laughable.
Meanwhile I'm at work early because yesterday I went to bed shortly after I got home. Christ, I slept for way too fucking long.
Did I explain how I'm a wanted man now? The poker club of which I was member was broken up in the past month or so. They had been politely ignored by the local police since they were technically a private club, modelled after the "Sons of Liberty". Oh, and they made a great deal of charitable donations to local Austin services, such as the Austin Fire Department and the Austin Police Department.
These donations were not enough, as it turns out. The police certainly confiscated the member list, but I doubt there will be any follow up on that.
(0) comments
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Damn this mortal body |12:13 PM| What a load of crap. I've picked up some infection that is making me feel like death warmed over. Spots on skin? No. Hemorrhaging? No.
Nothing to justify why I feel like this. It has sapped my energy, I feel cold despite my huge jacket, I'm shivering or shaking, and my balance is crap.
This is bullshit. The least this disease could do would be to give me something demonstrable, like a hacking cough or blood running out of my eyes. But no, the only visible symptom besides shivering is that my face "doesn't have any color".
Vid says, as a manager, if I can't do my job I should go home. Well, I'm capable of doing my job but I'm not happy, which isn't a job requirement. I'm just going to sit here, feeling like death warmed over and wonder why my immune system failed me. It better look like a goddamn pro-wrestling match in there, with anti-bodies and white blood cells hitting bacteria over the head with tiny chairs or something.
On a lighter note, Portal has stopped punching me in the belly when I start doing something that calls for punishment. Now she bites me. At one point, during an explanation of the "Chicks in prison" movie genre, I launched into a rant about how we're all prisoners...in our hearts! How we can't let our emotions jail us blah blah blah so Portal started gnawing on my skull.
"Your head won't fit in my mouth!" She exclaimed, clearly disappointed.
(0) comments
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Feeling Atomic |1:43 PM| My head keeps making a thudding sound. This is probably because I keep drifting forward until I hit the desk. Given the chance, I would give up the joys of both eating and sleeping for never having to do either of them again. Maybe a small nuclear reactor or a big plant that grows out of my back would do the trick. It would also make an excellent excuse for why I don't eat much at proper meals, as "Oh, that's just the amphetamines" brings up more issues than it settles. My lack of eating has been a point of concern for Portal's family.
"Why isn't Cecil eating?"
"Oh, he's atomic."
See? That's a lot better. Or perhaps:
"That's a very...pretty giant daisy growing out of your body, you have there."
"Thanks! It feeds me delicious photosynthesis-it treats!"
It would probably make getting onto planes a bit tougher, and I suppose car wrecks would be a much riskier situation with atomic power, but at least I wouldn't need to pay for food anymore, and I could work a second job if my nights were totally free.
I may or may not be getting a big raise, speaking of jobs. 9% is a nice bump, if I get it.
As far as food goes, I did something improper yesterday night and ordered pizza rolls from Double Daves. Pricey, but reliable. Every damn pizza I've eaten for the past couple weeks has been crap, and it's not like I've been going to crappy places.
Meanwhile, this thing on my ear (it's not visible, you have to hold the ear) seems to be getting bigger, and so I'm going to talk to my pop about it. The last thing I need is ear cancer, especially untreated ear cancer. (Note: According to my doctor/father, it isn't cancer, it can't be cancer, let's have a quick look the next time you visit, anyway.)
(0) comments
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Machine |11:44 AM| Big suprise, I take a drug called Effexor. It works by affecting serotonin and norepinephrine levels in my head. It's an anti-depressent, but I wasn't just depressed, I was also extremely happy. But going from depressed to whatever at the drop of a hat isn't healthy.
Readers from a while back know that if I go off the drugs, I've got about 24-36 hours before bad shit starts to happen. Headaches -> loss of orientation -> REALLY BAD HEADACHES -> dunno.
The issue I have, is that at one point I was off my drugs for 3 days. I just happened to spend a lot of time around Portal. I felt fine, but after I left, the headaches kicked in immediately. Withdrawl was sudden and very painful.
Being around her was having the same effect as mood altering drugs. Emotions are mechanical, a complex interaction of chemicals, and apparently nothing more. I find that depressing, though I understand the truth at the heart of it.
This is not to say that emotions mean any less, or that how I feel about someone is devalued. It just takes a little while for it to all sink in.
Give Rilo Kiley a shot.
I'm also getting into an Emo (GAH!) band called "The Exit".
(0) comments
Up late again |4:01 AM| I am a bit bothered by how there's not a chore I'm avoiding when it comes to "getting better".
To clarify, I'm a terrible procrastinator. Unpleasant phone calls, annoying chores, studying for difficult lab practicals, these are all things I have to fight to accomplish. Treatment for ADHD aside, this is still an aspect of my personality. I still do these things, I still do my jobs, but it's a struggle.
Back to my original point, getting better, emotionally I mean, isn't something I'm avoiding. There's not some task I can "just go do". At least, as far as I can tell.
I have a feeling I've written something similar to this in the past.
Working out, that might help.
(0) comments
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I fucked up at sleeping. |4:24 AM| Oh you dumb bastard.
"Can't sleep, must be that caffeine in that damn root beer"
I went to open screen night hoping to make a quick $100 with chicken ass, one of the first movies my crew and I made. Yes, it also "stars" me. This breaks the rule I'd hoped to follow of "Never appear in own movies". My performance is mostly making faces and yelling.
In any case, I had root beer, which was clearly caffeinated as I cannot get to sleep.
An additional detail is that I'm supposed to go to bed by 10pm on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Mondays. Otherwise a nice lady gets very upset at me, which is a drag.
I got a call at 2am from said lady(I didn't even realize it was that late) and I was totally fucking busted. I was berated, which I totally deserved.
I'm still hurting from some dental work, and I have a bottle of vicodin for the pain. I pulled a couple of these out and put them into my portable pharmacy, the orange bottle I take everywhere, with its galaxy of pills.
This bottle also contains that nasty little habit of mine, NoDoz. I had been avoiding caffeine again in an attempt to quit it. I did not intend to have caffeinated root beer, or to even drink soda of any kind, but pizza tastes so much better with it.
The vicodin looks remarkably like NoDoz, or vice versa.
CAN YOU GUESS WHERE THIS IS GOING
I decide "My mouth hurts, and I should be sleeping right now."
I pull a small white pill out of the bottle, pop it, and expect drowsiness to overtake me.
It does not. And the pain in my jaw does not fade. In fact, I get more and more awake.
FUCK
I count the number of no Doz in the bottle, and whatta ya know. One less than I put in. In case I needed another hint I am manic and hyper, and typing a whole lot of crap in AIM and in this blog.
Life's a drag.
Labels: Drugs
(0) comments
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Drug Ad |12:07 AM| I was just recently a part of a drug ad re-enactment. Eh, better way to start this is that I got busted for my substance abuse problem.
I was bringing over some groceries to a friend's house, and I'd left my own, earlier purchase in one of the bags. My friend zeroes in on it immediately, grabs it, and yells "What is THIS? Why do you have this?!"
Shit. I grinned in what I hoped was a sheepish fashion, while feeling about 11 years old.
"Why are you taking these?" pointedly asked. Ah, man, was she actually a little concerned? Shit.
What would have been awesome(lame) is if I'd replied with what occurred to me at the time, which was "I LEARNED FROM YOU, OKAY! I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU" but I was caught off guard enough that I couldn't get the wise ass pop-culture reference out.
After a couple "uuhhhs" I said that I had to, that I was studying for the big cert test.
"But you're just taking them for that, you're going to stop?" she asked.
"Oh, of course!" was my truthful reply (I hope).
I had been busted, yet again, for possesion of No-doz. Ruiner of holidays! Destroyer of sleep schedules! Saviour of the San Antonio project! Stimulant of ages!
I need to get back to said cert test, which is why I haven't finished this goddamn shelf thing, that has converted my kitchen into a lumber mill (Highly educational, design and construction wise, though) or finished fixing the damn furry videos.
I shouldn't have gone out for the couple hours I did, but I had to get out of this fiery hell hole, which I'll explain tommorow.
Labels: Drugs
(2) comments
Monday, July 12, 2004
Tyranny Of Caffeine |9:36 AM| Damn I feel better. After a horrifying headache and some extremely low energy levels, it seems my body has stopped punishing me for my quitting of caffeine. I feel a hell of a lot better than I have in a long time. I don't have proof that my improved mood is a result of my better diet, but I don't see any other immediate cause. Portal said she could see the difference immediately, especially in my eyes.
I cleaned up the apartment, assembled the crazy ass leaning bookshelf and even set up the fishtank. It was a productive weekend, and my mood was swell. That is until I came to work and was in traffic so terrible I fell asleep while waiting. I then spent 20 minutes at the front desk waiting to be processed through the horrific "badge expired" process. I've bitched about it before but goddamn, sometimes it seems it'd be easier to just drive my car through a window than to follow the rules here.
In response here is the text of an actual trouble ticket.
We are having so many issues with this printer just not working properlay and exteremly slow. Color will be off, it may skip a page. I think we have warned it out and if all possible to get it replaced with another color printed will help me out with the number of complaints I get from the managers and my director.
This makes me feel superior to the company in which I work. Take that to mean the people, or the corporation.
Edit:
If ever you needed a way to feel superior to your common man, the IMDB Message Boards can certainly provide it.
The Devil at your heels available for purchase. From the National Film Board of Canada. For $40.
Additionally, the comment system may be working for alternative browsers. Or it might not be. If it still isn't working, please trying to go to the archive version of the page (Click the time stamp) and then see if it works. That will provide me with useful information.
Labels: Drugs, Tech Support
(0) comments
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Cookie Calender |10:01 AM| How long can I last?
I'm using a single cookie as a measurement of how together I am today. I have eaten all of its comrades from the container, and I want to see how long I can go before I eat the last one. Will it be temptation? Hunger? Or will I forget and absent-mindedly eat the damn thing?
Mmmmm.
No! I mustn't give into the temptation.
Anyhow, I'm fucking bored, my job doesn't have a purpose, and I want to dislocate all of the fingers in my left hand so I can wriggle them around near people in the breakroom so they get the fuck out of my way.
Edit: As of 1:02 pm I have eaten that goddamn cookie, and it was good. Reason for eating: If I had left it out much longer it probably would have gone bad.
Tiny Story
On this page of fireworks that Vid found, I'd like to point out the description of the M-85 tank.
See all guns blaze with this moving marvel! A silver flitter to whistle jet gets this dynamo moving into position before shooting a forward stream of gold sparks. A burst of silver and green flitter is shot from each side of is turret before the main annon produces a shock of silver strobe flashes. A gold spark and whistle burst sends the tank turret in a furious spin before a vertical fire of gold sparks, followed by a volley of crackle end the M-85’s engagement. Mission accomplished!
Emphasis mine.
I like that this tiny tank had a story, a plot, a mission that needed to be completed. It burned not just for itself, but for a greater purpose. A task assigned itself by its maker.
With each detonation of gunpowder, a tiny bit of the story is told just like the subtle motions of the hula dancer, but with more explosions and fire.
Also, I have composed a short ditty on the effects of prescription amphetamines.
Pills pills, the magical bliss;
The more you eat, the more you piss.
(0) comments
Thursday, June 10, 2004
Actually posting. |1:02 AM| Earlier this week I made a post called "Signs you may becoming emotionally unstable" but I thought it a bad idea to write something that made me sound...unhinged. But to hell with it. It's my goddamn blog. This was written before work, on one of the days I spent wallowing in a puddle of depression from the failure of my goddamn drugs. How Goth.
Signs you may becoming emotionally unstable"
Doorknobs bother you.
Given the choice between world peace and the ability to kill that tailgater behind you with your mind, it would be a tough call.
Getting out of bed in the morning becomes a near insurmountable task.
-After managing to get out of bed, you reward yourself with a quick nap, that turns out to last the better part of a weekend.
The sound of your telephone's ringer inspires a near violent feeling of rage.
You try to play music by bouncing your head off various parts of your desk.
You feel as satisfied with doing the dishes as if you had just witnessed your worst enemy hit by a bus, after which he cracked open like a pinata revealing a large cache of money orders made out to you.
The font used for the "SnugTop" logo on pickup bed caps is ugly enough to make you feel ill.
Labels: Drugs
(61) comments
Monday, May 24, 2004
Please don't make that face while driving |3:09 PM| I was driving along with Portal the other day, and I was experiencing the weird drug induced anger I've been fighting for the past couple weeks. It tends to show itself more often in the car, as most other drivers are, to be honest, the worst human beings who have ever been born.
A greater number of them than usual were demonstrating just how much they needed to be converted into a protein paste, to be used for feeding of endangered birds so that their pathetic lives would have some purpose and meaning besides simply getting in my fucking way.
It was only when Portal asked me to stop "Making that face" and I asked "What face?" through gritted teeth that I realized I was making a face at all. The whole time I'd been driving, my eyes had been wide open, my cheeks stretched out, and my lips had been yanked across my clenched teeth. A good poker face, I do not have. But I wonder how many people had seen me.
Also, comments.
Since the blogger comment system was pissing me off, I'm trying a new comment system. Wow, you even get to use anonymous commenting, if you so wish.
Please try it out, you don't have to sign your real name, and I want to make sure it works. If something breaks, I've pissed you off, or whatever, let me know via the comments.
If you've read the post, or liked the post, please let me know on the comment screen as well.
Edit: I keep forgetting to post this.
It's that goddamn dancing banana that Vorpal loves, but from the color it is you can ascertain the current US terror alert level! This is fantastic.
Speaking of terror alert level, try this fun Propaganda game. There's a couple times when they put a more political spin on what happened to some celebrities (Like Michael Moore and Howard Stern), and it is 100% anti-bush propaganda, but give it a shot.
Also:
This fellow is using the bluetooth capabilities of his cellphone as a way to get online with his laptop. Though I do not have a laptop, I do have a handheld, one that supports bluetooth. The idea of a $10 a month flat fee that would free me from T-mobile or one of those other wallet plunderers is exciting.
Labels: Broken Links, Drugs, Fixed, Mariko
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Friday, April 30, 2004
Anger Cycle |9:54 PM| My body is eating itself from the inside out, as I seem to have developed an ulcer. How cliche.
A couple days ago, due to drug side effects apparently, I was intensely angry in an unfocused fashion. Drivers on the road made me nearly go insane, being out of orange juice in my house built up rage inside. I knew at the time it was stupid and a chemical issue, but I still managed to get so angry that my stomach started hurting. No matter, I thought, it'll go away soon.
It didn't go away for several hours after I had calmed down. A churning, burning feeling in my stomach.
Days later (as in, yesterday) several events came together to make me as angry as I've felt in a long damned time. The power was cut off early, the was a previous balance I had to pay, the goddamn robot was apparently sent off to la-la land, and some other crap. What's important is I was so damned angry that the feeling in my pit came back, almost painful enough to incapacitate me. Luckily I had Akido class to calm down, but for long after (well into today) my stomach was churning and painful. I began belching violently this morning and didn't stop completely until now.
I'm calling the Doc as soon as possible. But now I can't get angry or it hurts, which pisses me off, which hurts, which pisses me off. I have to spend a lot of time on the phone chanting to myself "Don't get pissed, don't get pissed..."
This blows.
Labels: Drugs
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Thursday, April 08, 2004
The Doc |4:09 PM| I went to the doctor today, he upped my dosage of Effexor again. In 3 or 4 days I'll hopefully notice an improvement.
He also confirmed what I suspected, that the occasional suggestions for me to try a different ADHD medication had a duel purpose. First, to see if it worked better than Adderall, and second, to gather information for the rest of his patients. I guess being a textbook case of ADHD makes for a valuable test bed. I don't mind, I get to try crazy pills for free every couple of months.
Having what amounts to a chemical dependent brain would shock the "me" from 7 years ago. Back then I still thought that most prescription pills were a bad move, and that it was best if I "stayed clean" of everything from booze, smokes, and anything stronger than an antibiotic.
I don't want to make my doc sound like a monster, or a some kind of mad man who occasionally pokes me only to ask "Did that hurt?". My doctor kicks a lot of ass. He's helped me immensely, but beyond that he's a nice guy. He also curses for emphasis. "These packages say that the drug inside is expired, but that's bullshit. They're still good for a couple more months at least". In the past, he's helped me through financial issues by getting me free sample cards, samples of actual drugs, and writing scripts in a way that maximizes my insurance coverage. Good guy.
Labels: Drugs
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Monday, April 05, 2004
LANs, space-outs, and hydro planing. |9:27 AM| Yes, I went to a LAN party. I'm an enormous goddamn dork. We got our asses kicked online at UT2k4 which was humiliating, but we had some better moments on cooperative games like "Splinter Cell" and "System Shock 2" (Of all things)
I have to call Cantu today, and get in as soon as possible. I've been spacing out, acting generally mopey, and feeling like crap a bit too long. You can chalk it up to illness only so long, and if upping the dosage doesn't work, it's time to try new drugs. That is, if it's clearly your defective head meat giving you guff. New drugs should not be tried if you're just having a bad week. Unless of course "bad week" for you involves being bitten in half by a bear, in which case do whatever the fuck you want, Captain Torso.
Vid is on vacation, so I'm covering two phones and three email boxes. It's joy, let me tell you.
Try this out instead of listening to me bitch: Reflections
Labels: Drugs
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Taking the fighting to the spammers...but first a nap. |8:39 AM| As I continue to forget to do stuff, like linking to all the Furry Fuzz movies (From when I was busted by sexual deviants for crashing their party), I also forget to do useful life stuff, like grocery shopping. And ordering robotics kits.
The last month or so has seen me sick 5 days out of each 7, and last night was not an exception. Portal picked up some kind of damn influenza, and I wonder if I'm coming down with it yet. I know I was working through a couple infections last week, and last night felt the same as then. Either way I was asleep until 6am today and so I didn't get the new UT or get my girlfriend to the grocery store. Sorry Portal.
I also forgot to post a thread on SA about a scriptable Wget, so I can relaunch my own damn website. One thing I realized is that I'm going to have to tighten security of this site a great deal. Such as, changing the primary site password (which the old system said couldn't be done, but c'mon guys, that's idiotic) cleaning out old email boxes, and basically battening down the hatches. If the relaunch goes to plan, I'll probably be attracting a lot of the wrong kinds of attention.
I may also have to switch to movable type for my blog here, which would be a shame. You folks wouldn't notice a difference, but I like the spellcheck here, though I've been using it less. Maybe I could hire Sinclair to copy edit for me. I think he'd stab me right in the face.
Labels: Drugs, Mariko, Sinclair
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Friday, March 05, 2004
|7:56 AM| I'm getting tired of being vaguely ill. My sleep is feverish, with bizzare dreams, and it takes too long for me to be rested. I find myself putting on a jacket and turning on a fan in an attempt to find a comfortable temperature. The level of available energy I have is laughable.
Meanwhile I'm at work early because yesterday I went to bed shortly after I got home. Christ, I slept for way too fucking long.
Did I explain how I'm a wanted man now? The poker club of which I was member was broken up in the past month or so. They had been politely ignored by the local police since they were technically a private club, modelled after the "Sons of Liberty". Oh, and they made a great deal of charitable donations to local Austin services, such as the Austin Fire Department and the Austin Police Department.
These donations were not enough, as it turns out. The police certainly confiscated the member list, but I doubt there will be any follow up on that.
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
Damn this mortal body |12:13 PM| What a load of crap. I've picked up some infection that is making me feel like death warmed over. Spots on skin? No. Hemorrhaging? No.
Nothing to justify why I feel like this. It has sapped my energy, I feel cold despite my huge jacket, I'm shivering or shaking, and my balance is crap.
This is bullshit. The least this disease could do would be to give me something demonstrable, like a hacking cough or blood running out of my eyes. But no, the only visible symptom besides shivering is that my face "doesn't have any color".
Vid says, as a manager, if I can't do my job I should go home. Well, I'm capable of doing my job but I'm not happy, which isn't a job requirement. I'm just going to sit here, feeling like death warmed over and wonder why my immune system failed me. It better look like a goddamn pro-wrestling match in there, with anti-bodies and white blood cells hitting bacteria over the head with tiny chairs or something.
On a lighter note, Portal has stopped punching me in the belly when I start doing something that calls for punishment. Now she bites me. At one point, during an explanation of the "Chicks in prison" movie genre, I launched into a rant about how we're all prisoners...in our hearts! How we can't let our emotions jail us blah blah blah so Portal started gnawing on my skull.
"Your head won't fit in my mouth!" She exclaimed, clearly disappointed.
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Feeling Atomic |1:43 PM| My head keeps making a thudding sound. This is probably because I keep drifting forward until I hit the desk. Given the chance, I would give up the joys of both eating and sleeping for never having to do either of them again. Maybe a small nuclear reactor or a big plant that grows out of my back would do the trick. It would also make an excellent excuse for why I don't eat much at proper meals, as "Oh, that's just the amphetamines" brings up more issues than it settles. My lack of eating has been a point of concern for Portal's family.
"Why isn't Cecil eating?"
"Oh, he's atomic."
See? That's a lot better. Or perhaps:
"That's a very...pretty giant daisy growing out of your body, you have there."
"Thanks! It feeds me delicious photosynthesis-it treats!"
It would probably make getting onto planes a bit tougher, and I suppose car wrecks would be a much riskier situation with atomic power, but at least I wouldn't need to pay for food anymore, and I could work a second job if my nights were totally free.
I may or may not be getting a big raise, speaking of jobs. 9% is a nice bump, if I get it.
As far as food goes, I did something improper yesterday night and ordered pizza rolls from Double Daves. Pricey, but reliable. Every damn pizza I've eaten for the past couple weeks has been crap, and it's not like I've been going to crappy places.
Meanwhile, this thing on my ear (it's not visible, you have to hold the ear) seems to be getting bigger, and so I'm going to talk to my pop about it. The last thing I need is ear cancer, especially untreated ear cancer. (Note: According to my doctor/father, it isn't cancer, it can't be cancer, let's have a quick look the next time you visit, anyway.)
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Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Machine |11:44 AM| Big suprise, I take a drug called Effexor. It works by affecting serotonin and norepinephrine levels in my head. It's an anti-depressent, but I wasn't just depressed, I was also extremely happy. But going from depressed to whatever at the drop of a hat isn't healthy.
Readers from a while back know that if I go off the drugs, I've got about 24-36 hours before bad shit starts to happen. Headaches -> loss of orientation -> REALLY BAD HEADACHES -> dunno.
The issue I have, is that at one point I was off my drugs for 3 days. I just happened to spend a lot of time around Portal. I felt fine, but after I left, the headaches kicked in immediately. Withdrawl was sudden and very painful.
Being around her was having the same effect as mood altering drugs. Emotions are mechanical, a complex interaction of chemicals, and apparently nothing more. I find that depressing, though I understand the truth at the heart of it.
This is not to say that emotions mean any less, or that how I feel about someone is devalued. It just takes a little while for it to all sink in.
Give Rilo Kiley a shot.
I'm also getting into an Emo (GAH!) band called "The Exit".
Labels: Drugs
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