Offensive, and Ogden Nash |10:34 PM|
A request from my girlfriend:
" please refrain from using statements such as: I wanted to create a wound in her nostril and shove my cock into her bloody orifice.
I liked the part about dancing, but it was dwarfed by thoughts of : why am I dating someone this sick?"
I distracted her with links to Ogden Nash. This seemed to calm her down somewhat.
I want to be Ogden Nash. I don't know why, it's not like his poetry reaches into my soul and flips switches like some other works of art do. But it's like they fit into the flow of my day better than any small talk. I want an MP3 player and external speakers, and anytime someone is getting into a discussion about the weather or something of that nature, I hold up a little flag and instead we listen to a poem by Ogden Nash read by a variety of people. Some famous, some not.
On Famous People:
Wonderlust: tom cruise?
Me: No.
Wonderlust: why can't tom cruise read ogden nash?
Me: Because.
Wonderlust: because
Wonderlust: why not
Wonderlust: I want you to tell me why not in 50 words or [Less].
Me: Tom cruise would try to hard to not try to hard and it would come out in a forced relaxed tone, as if he was trying to defecate while on the phone, without alerting the caller to his actions.
Wonderlust: ok, I agree
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The opposite of Screw Jack |2:08 PM|
Well, first we had a big fight because I was still off of my drugs and about as pleasant as a toothache located in the genitals, and because the vapid bitch at the U-haul place decided to close early. This is despite me calling her and saying we were on the way, despite them already having my credit card number and needing to only hand me the keys. The worthless fleshbag had already struck out on my "worthy of life" test. PortalStar told me, during this description of the woman, to "Not be rude"
Me: "When have I *EVER* been rude to a person behind a counter?"
Portal: "A couple times."
Me: "When? A specific example."
Portal: "You were rude to the tow truck folks."
Me: "The TOW company? THEY AREN'T PEOPLE. They do not COUNT as people!"
Then Portal met that wretched, dripping gash of a waste of space. This is when we showed up a devastating 4 minutes late.
"Yeah, uh, I got your latest message that you were on the way but I'd already turned the system off. I can't turn it back on until tomorrow"
Me: "At the end there, I got nothing but busy signals, what was up?"
Her: "Oooh, I was renting a truck and storage to a customer on site, so I was on the phone. Yeaaaah. I shut the system off though, I can't rent the truck."
Luckily, I had just gotten my drugs, so instead of grabbing her by the nose ring and spinning her around until the new nasal hole was of the right size, allowing me to cram my cock into her face in a nasal fashion, I hit the alarm button my car remote signaling the end of this conversation.
Unfortunately for my self-image, I had just gotten my drugs. They began to take affect leading to large portions of my brain that had been dormant for 2 weeks to wake up. I began to see how I'd been acting the last couple weeks, remembering all the shit I was supposed to have done, all the bills I'd be neglecting, etc.
I spent a long time apologizing to PortalStar. She said, most memorably that "It's good to have you back, Brendan." as well as "The light came back on."
Me: "The light?"
That's when she imitated the droopiest face she could, then tightened it all up into a cheerful grin. Apparently I've been looking like a sullen teenager as well. How embarrassing.
It was like waking up from a long dream, only to find you'd been buried up to your neck in ants. Not an ant hill, but ants. Ants with machetes, who are also smoking cigars.
Among one of the dumber things I did this weekend was forgetting about a wedding. 2 weeks ago I told PortalStar there was a wedding coming, then I neglected to tell her when. So when we should have been moving, PortalStar was desperately trying to find a nice dress that hadn't been packed, as I'd given her all of 2 hours notice. In my defense, it came as a bit of a surprise to me. I was trying to take a nap when my whole damn family started yelling at my door about the wedding. Luckily, I was not in the wedding party. PortalStar and I did manage to impress the hell out of a bunch of people with our swing dancing skillz.Labels: Mariko
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