Saturday, March 01, 2003
Sticky Tack |6:19 PM| I has occurred to me that this blog is going to be relatively boring to most folks without a dash of comedy. Though I'm not dedicated to getting and keeping readers, I thought I should "give something back" to the community.
The saw tackiest thing I have seen in at least a year last night, in a gas station. It was one of the more colorful Mobils along Lamar, the normal corporate neatness had been kidnapped and left for dead in a ditch some years ago, and now the shelves bulged outward with various off-brand snacks and novelties that should make the whoopie cushion people blush. One of them, right by the register, left the other crap lightyears behind. It was clear that a level of tackiness research had gone into this product equal to the US's research into the nuclear bomb during World War 2. This object was called a "Silk Panty-Rose".
A cheap looking, plastic rose stem was capped by an equally cheap and plastic rosebud, surrounded by a silk-like substance to make the petals. The product artwork revealed that if you pulled on the petals, it would unfold into "An actual set of wearable panties!"
Who in the FUCK came up with this ridiculous idea? What terrible chemical imbalance would cause this sort of creativity?
I'm not female, but if my man showed up with a boquet of cheap underwear made to look like crappy flowers expecting to get lucky, I'd bite his cock off.
I can just imagine a prom night sometime, somewhere, during which a young man decides he'll make a subtle hint to his date with his choice of flowers. He hands her the bouquet of normal, once living flowers with this plastic monstronsity sticking out like a diseased limb. Without it being pointed out, the young woman plucks it from the collection of flowers, realizes what it is as the cheap "silk" unfolds in her hands, and starts a 20 year streak of "The fastest I have ever gone from thinking I was in love to dumping a guy and telling him never to see me again". (This 10 year record is only broken when she finds out her boyfriend of the time (during a period of low cash reserves) ate the exotic pet that she thought had run away.
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Friday, February 28, 2003
|2:34 PM| Meanwhile, I have never seen a pigeon sleep.
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Thursday, February 27, 2003
Goddammit |10:29 PM| Fucking shortcut I had to upload an image screwed up blogger and I lost my post. Dammit.
This is as much as I can recall:
It's a bit rough when an existencial crisis can make you so ill you consider calling in sick to work. Well, maybe existencial isn't the right word for what I'm debating, but I'm bothered by questions for which I don't have the answers, and I have no idea how to find them. They certainly aren't in my possesion.
Portalstar sketched me the other day, and I think it came out marvelously. I managed to stay still remarkably well, or so she says. I stared at the glow in the dark stars that were on the ceiling, which Star says were there when she moved in. I know that feeling, same thing happened to me in my first apartment in Texas.
You can see the sketch here..
The trip is drawing closer. I hope I can get my car into shape. I'm heading out and will meet some new folks, one or two I've met before, and who knows who else.
I thought I had a song by the Pixies about going to Phoenix, but I can't find it. I'll post it later if I can track it down.
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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Things to do in Austin when you're frozen. |9:42 PM| Here are some images from Austin, which is currently under a lot of ice.
It looks like I haven't posted some of the odder things I've written. Just scroll down, they should all look fairly new.
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Salt Gnomes |8:00 AM| This morning, my car was a solid block of ice. Angry, Texas ice.
A few of my neighbors were desperately trying to scrape the ice off of their various vehicles with anything they could. Credit cards, remote controls, former pets-turned-doorstops.
I, armed with a putty knife and an extra big can of salt managed to de-ice my car in under 10 minutes. The moment I threw that first handfull of salt onto the windshield, the dramatic ice cracking noises began. I find it amusing that while my neighborts were straining and yelling at their cars, they could look up and see me, dancing around throwing magic ice melting pixie dust upon my car.
Now, I have a few theories as to why salt melts ice, but the following one seems most reasonable.
My current, best theory is that salt is actually composed of hundreds of tiny gnome prison cells.
Normally, these gnomes attack your tongue and stomach, giving salted food that sharp bite.
But, when used on ice, these tiny axe wielding gnomes break up the ice, until they drown. That's why you get the white smear on your windows after the roads are salted. Gnomes bleed, and they bleed white.
(0) comments
Sticky Tack |6:19 PM| I has occurred to me that this blog is going to be relatively boring to most folks without a dash of comedy. Though I'm not dedicated to getting and keeping readers, I thought I should "give something back" to the community.
The saw tackiest thing I have seen in at least a year last night, in a gas station. It was one of the more colorful Mobils along Lamar, the normal corporate neatness had been kidnapped and left for dead in a ditch some years ago, and now the shelves bulged outward with various off-brand snacks and novelties that should make the whoopie cushion people blush. One of them, right by the register, left the other crap lightyears behind. It was clear that a level of tackiness research had gone into this product equal to the US's research into the nuclear bomb during World War 2. This object was called a "Silk Panty-Rose".
A cheap looking, plastic rose stem was capped by an equally cheap and plastic rosebud, surrounded by a silk-like substance to make the petals. The product artwork revealed that if you pulled on the petals, it would unfold into "An actual set of wearable panties!"
Who in the FUCK came up with this ridiculous idea? What terrible chemical imbalance would cause this sort of creativity?
I'm not female, but if my man showed up with a boquet of cheap underwear made to look like crappy flowers expecting to get lucky, I'd bite his cock off.
I can just imagine a prom night sometime, somewhere, during which a young man decides he'll make a subtle hint to his date with his choice of flowers. He hands her the bouquet of normal, once living flowers with this plastic monstronsity sticking out like a diseased limb. Without it being pointed out, the young woman plucks it from the collection of flowers, realizes what it is as the cheap "silk" unfolds in her hands, and starts a 20 year streak of "The fastest I have ever gone from thinking I was in love to dumping a guy and telling him never to see me again". (This 10 year record is only broken when she finds out her boyfriend of the time (during a period of low cash reserves) ate the exotic pet that she thought had run away.
(0) comments
Friday, February 28, 2003
|2:34 PM| Meanwhile, I have never seen a pigeon sleep.
(0) comments
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Goddammit |10:29 PM| Fucking shortcut I had to upload an image screwed up blogger and I lost my post. Dammit.
This is as much as I can recall:
It's a bit rough when an existencial crisis can make you so ill you consider calling in sick to work. Well, maybe existencial isn't the right word for what I'm debating, but I'm bothered by questions for which I don't have the answers, and I have no idea how to find them. They certainly aren't in my possesion.
Portalstar sketched me the other day, and I think it came out marvelously. I managed to stay still remarkably well, or so she says. I stared at the glow in the dark stars that were on the ceiling, which Star says were there when she moved in. I know that feeling, same thing happened to me in my first apartment in Texas.
You can see the sketch here..
The trip is drawing closer. I hope I can get my car into shape. I'm heading out and will meet some new folks, one or two I've met before, and who knows who else.
I thought I had a song by the Pixies about going to Phoenix, but I can't find it. I'll post it later if I can track it down.
(0) comments
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
Things to do in Austin when you're frozen. |9:42 PM| Here are some images from Austin, which is currently under a lot of ice.
It looks like I haven't posted some of the odder things I've written. Just scroll down, they should all look fairly new.
(0) comments
Salt Gnomes |8:00 AM| This morning, my car was a solid block of ice. Angry, Texas ice.
A few of my neighbors were desperately trying to scrape the ice off of their various vehicles with anything they could. Credit cards, remote controls, former pets-turned-doorstops.
I, armed with a putty knife and an extra big can of salt managed to de-ice my car in under 10 minutes. The moment I threw that first handfull of salt onto the windshield, the dramatic ice cracking noises began. I find it amusing that while my neighborts were straining and yelling at their cars, they could look up and see me, dancing around throwing magic ice melting pixie dust upon my car.
Now, I have a few theories as to why salt melts ice, but the following one seems most reasonable.
My current, best theory is that salt is actually composed of hundreds of tiny gnome prison cells.
Normally, these gnomes attack your tongue and stomach, giving salted food that sharp bite.
But, when used on ice, these tiny axe wielding gnomes break up the ice, until they drown. That's why you get the white smear on your windows after the roads are salted. Gnomes bleed, and they bleed white.
(0) comments
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