Saturday, September 29, 2001
|1:08 PM| I need Jesus like I need a zombie Carl Sagan. It's interesting, but ultimately dangerous."
I still believe in God. I'm just terrified of the ultra fundamentalist "bible thumpers" that occasionally get power or press coverage. Either way, if you are offended by me comparing your saviour to a dead hero astronomer, then I obviously wasn't talking about your Jesus.
(0) comments
Friday, September 28, 2001
|8:09 PM| Where exactly, are the areas it's okay to strike up conversations with strangers?
A buddy of mine and I were at a coffee bar kicking around crazy short story ideas. At one point, when I wasn't doing my increasingly dangerous knife trick, I began bitching about how my bananas always go bad too quickly. In order to use my bananas to the fullest extent, I would have to increase my fruit consumption per day by 700%. Otherwise, the last couple bananas are always very "ripe" within 2 days of their purchase. This female student that had been sitting right next to us for most of the night had been trying to merge with her cellphone. She had stopped this process just in time to express some suggestions for banana preservation. I did an excellent job of not staring down her dress, as the low cut coupled with her lower sitting position (she was on a couch, obviously scavanged from a frat house explosion) made being a gentleman quite difficult. She seemed like a nice enough person, and he suggestions were reasonable, but neither my buddy nor I could think of an excuse to continue talking to her. Some creative geniuses we are. The dead conversation lingered in the air for an uncomfortable moment and then her cell phone rang again. However, the cute, obviously geeky female in the Dell cafeteria today could not be prompted into any manner of conversation. I will admit our only common bond was attacking the only working Rootbeer nozzle on the Dell campus. Shame.
My coworker wants to buy a giant panel van off of ebay and convert it into a kidnap mobile with "a giant robotic ARM!"
He believes that a kidnap and ransom bussiness would still be fairly profitable in this economic environment.
I recommeded therapy, and then an ice cream truck bell. A digital display on the side would give the running count of the next ransom demand, like the progressive slot machines in Vegas.
(0) comments
|12:18 AM| A lizard named Smitty finds God, then rejects God, as Cecil makes a shitty God
A lizard was hiding in my cable bin. Imagine my shock. I need an audio cable, not a damn gecko. The little bastard was fast, but trapped, and when I set down a cup he ran right into it. He was then imprisoned using a "Low Fidelity All Stars" CD, that I recently aquired through totally legal means.
In the CUP!
I'd like to point out that the saran wrap was used for only long enough to take pictures. The lizard is named Smitty. I am official namer of objects in my house.
After taking the pics I released Smitty into the wild. He loved me more than any person on Earth. *Sniffle*
(0) comments
Thursday, September 27, 2001
|9:53 PM| CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!
I was defeated in the last 5 damned seconds of the ebay auction. HATRED, THY NAME IS KENHEILMAN.
Ah well. My job is certainly lost. I will have no food to feed my offspring. I will surely die before the turn of this darkest of years.
(0) comments
|8:00 PM| Best title for a book all week: Places Left Unfinished at the Time of Creation
I may buy it just for the title alone, or perhaps the fact that dictionary.com's word of the day yesterday was pulled from this book's tender pages.
Stentorian
Work went reasonably well. I solved an issue that would have cost the company $900. One of my over-bosses was stalking around the halls of Dell, and found a printer.(This woman too closely resembles the midwives of System Shock 2 fame, so I can only see her stalking around Dell. The stiff armed walk of terrible, servo-whining evil) She wanted this printer repaired, though all that was really left of it was the Lexmark logo and some metal bits that would confuse 16th century Man. We were bound by contract to fix this hunk of junk, which actually came from the junk pile. I pointed out that this means Dell could, concievably "starfish" their printers. Starfishing would be: Take a chainsaw, cut a printer in half, bring us the halves and demand repairs. 1 printer becomes 2, and it never stops until we destabilize the gravitational balance of the Earth with all the printer, and printer toner. Instead of paying the $900 in repairs and parts, I found a functional printer of the same model on ebay, for $90. I now possess my company's credit card. I have been entrusted with the holy task of winning that printer for less than the cost of a black market kidney.
So, I'm becoming a hero at my job again. This means I should abuse the brownie points earned with a sudden trip.
The damn mood swings are becoming more violent. Right now I feel nothing but love. A bright white emission of "Healing Light" or some such. It's actually kind a of a nice feeling, though that which is left of my rational brain is worried about what a sudden change like that in the space of 2 hours means.
I will soon fix menus and images. Suuuuuure.
(0) comments
|9:17 AM| Well, for reasons I don't fully understand, I am involved in the writing of another comedy site. Unfortunately, the site has not gone live yet, so instead of a link, here is my current contribution to the world of laughter and tears:
Hooray! As promised, the text of that post. But no link, the site is not yet live.
I am a bad man
I often abuse screws. You know...those dirty filthy whores of screwdrivers. I deliberately strip 'em when I'm done with them. When I'm finished ravaging them there's no way anything else is fitting in the top properly! Then I toss them away like garbage
Capitalistic ventures ahoy! I'm actually getting calls again for my freelance tech work. Mostly I go to people's homes and act as though I know exactly what's going on. I used to be perfectly honest with customers. "Gosh, I'm not sure what's wrong, but I'll see if I can't figure it out".
This does not instill confidence, but if you act confident during the work, they feel fine. Now, if you extend that confidence to the entire process, from handshake to check collection, the people involved feel so much better and act happier. You could ask the customer to please pick up the smoking bit of debris that just popped out of his computer and skittered along the floor. If you act like it was exactly what you intended to happen, they won't question you. As long as nothing phases you but the most incredibly shocking things, the customer will usually feel that you have everything under control. This includes when you recoil in horror and run screaming for your car.
"I'm sure he just needs to get some parts from Mexico or where ever he said he was headed".
Keep your receipts!
(0) comments
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
|4:52 PM| Boring thought associated with my job:
Construction screws can be grouped immediately into kingdoms but the shape of the top of the screw. The kingdoms are Phillips, Slotted, Torx, and Bolts. (Though nuts are often associated with bolts, they are not of the screw class of objects, so they are not listed here)
(0) comments
|4:32 PM| Bad story idea 352
A group studying crowd behavior realizes the truth of "God". (When separated by sound proofing walls, people still show certain signs of mob thinking in facility. As if they are still reacting to one another, despite having no obvious way of communicating)
"God" is merely a collective idea, a meme that is communicated by a medium not fully understood. Realizing the dark strange voodoo they are involved in, the people nickname the medium "ether" and begin to try to harness it.
The abilities are limited at first, and long-range instant communication is not usually worth the effort required to consciously contact through the ether.
Conflicts arise when the ability to manipulate some of the underlying motivations for large groups of people tempts researches into various political or financial gambits.
Bad Story Idea 353
Man claims that a bum in the area can fly, and uses this ability mostly to pester the guy at various ATM’s.
Bad story idea 354
Group must convince company rep that they have a stolen chunk of technology (a Briefcase AI, an incredible simulation unit, a huge power source….
It’s all a scam, but what from there, what does it mean. Team of talented graphics designers, showmen and a couple good hackers hide the seams.
(0) comments
|1:08 PM| I need Jesus like I need a zombie Carl Sagan. It's interesting, but ultimately dangerous."
I still believe in God. I'm just terrified of the ultra fundamentalist "bible thumpers" that occasionally get power or press coverage. Either way, if you are offended by me comparing your saviour to a dead hero astronomer, then I obviously wasn't talking about your Jesus.
Just got back from fixing a nice old couple's computer. They had just about every email virus in the books. The clean up job I performed was elegant, and impressed even my enormous ego. If it had been a dance, it would have been a slow waltz, as oppossed to my normal repair jobs which resemble head banging.
I earned some cash off the job, and that will pay for some needed car maitenance. If I intend to run off into the sunset, it'd be best if I don't break down right at the horizon.
(0) comments
Friday, September 28, 2001
|8:09 PM| Where exactly, are the areas it's okay to strike up conversations with strangers?
A buddy of mine and I were at a coffee bar kicking around crazy short story ideas. At one point, when I wasn't doing my increasingly dangerous knife trick, I began bitching about how my bananas always go bad too quickly. In order to use my bananas to the fullest extent, I would have to increase my fruit consumption per day by 700%. Otherwise, the last couple bananas are always very "ripe" within 2 days of their purchase. This female student that had been sitting right next to us for most of the night had been trying to merge with her cellphone. She had stopped this process just in time to express some suggestions for banana preservation. I did an excellent job of not staring down her dress, as the low cut coupled with her lower sitting position (she was on a couch, obviously scavanged from a frat house explosion) made being a gentleman quite difficult. She seemed like a nice enough person, and he suggestions were reasonable, but neither my buddy nor I could think of an excuse to continue talking to her. Some creative geniuses we are. The dead conversation lingered in the air for an uncomfortable moment and then her cell phone rang again. However, the cute, obviously geeky female in the Dell cafeteria today could not be prompted into any manner of conversation. I will admit our only common bond was attacking the only working Rootbeer nozzle on the Dell campus. Shame.
My coworker wants to buy a giant panel van off of ebay and convert it into a kidnap mobile with "a giant robotic ARM!"
He believes that a kidnap and ransom bussiness would still be fairly profitable in this economic environment.
I recommeded therapy, and then an ice cream truck bell. A digital display on the side would give the running count of the next ransom demand, like the progressive slot machines in Vegas.
(0) comments
|12:18 AM| A lizard named Smitty finds God, then rejects God, as Cecil makes a shitty God
A lizard was hiding in my cable bin. Imagine my shock. I need an audio cable, not a damn gecko. The little bastard was fast, but trapped, and when I set down a cup he ran right into it. He was then imprisoned using a "Low Fidelity All Stars" CD, that I recently aquired through totally legal means.
In the CUP!
I'd like to point out that the saran wrap was used for only long enough to take pictures. The lizard is named Smitty. I am official namer of objects in my house.
After taking the pics I released Smitty into the wild. He loved me more than any person on Earth. *Sniffle*
(0) comments
Thursday, September 27, 2001
|9:53 PM| CURSES! FOILED AGAIN!
I was defeated in the last 5 damned seconds of the ebay auction. HATRED, THY NAME IS KENHEILMAN.
Ah well. My job is certainly lost. I will have no food to feed my offspring. I will surely die before the turn of this darkest of years.
(0) comments
|8:00 PM| Best title for a book all week: Places Left Unfinished at the Time of Creation
I may buy it just for the title alone, or perhaps the fact that dictionary.com's word of the day yesterday was pulled from this book's tender pages.
Stentorian
Work went reasonably well. I solved an issue that would have cost the company $900. One of my over-bosses was stalking around the halls of Dell, and found a printer.(This woman too closely resembles the midwives of System Shock 2 fame, so I can only see her stalking around Dell. The stiff armed walk of terrible, servo-whining evil) She wanted this printer repaired, though all that was really left of it was the Lexmark logo and some metal bits that would confuse 16th century Man. We were bound by contract to fix this hunk of junk, which actually came from the junk pile. I pointed out that this means Dell could, concievably "starfish" their printers. Starfishing would be: Take a chainsaw, cut a printer in half, bring us the halves and demand repairs. 1 printer becomes 2, and it never stops until we destabilize the gravitational balance of the Earth with all the printer, and printer toner. Instead of paying the $900 in repairs and parts, I found a functional printer of the same model on ebay, for $90. I now possess my company's credit card. I have been entrusted with the holy task of winning that printer for less than the cost of a black market kidney.
So, I'm becoming a hero at my job again. This means I should abuse the brownie points earned with a sudden trip.
The damn mood swings are becoming more violent. Right now I feel nothing but love. A bright white emission of "Healing Light" or some such. It's actually kind a of a nice feeling, though that which is left of my rational brain is worried about what a sudden change like that in the space of 2 hours means.
I will soon fix menus and images. Suuuuuure.
(0) comments
|9:17 AM| Well, for reasons I don't fully understand, I am involved in the writing of another comedy site. Unfortunately, the site has not gone live yet, so instead of a link, here is my current contribution to the world of laughter and tears:
Hooray! As promised, the text of that post. But no link, the site is not yet live.
I am a bad man
I often abuse screws. You know...those dirty filthy whores of screwdrivers. I deliberately strip 'em when I'm done with them. When I'm finished ravaging them there's no way anything else is fitting in the top properly! Then I toss them away like garbage
Capitalistic ventures ahoy! I'm actually getting calls again for my freelance tech work. Mostly I go to people's homes and act as though I know exactly what's going on. I used to be perfectly honest with customers. "Gosh, I'm not sure what's wrong, but I'll see if I can't figure it out".
This does not instill confidence, but if you act confident during the work, they feel fine. Now, if you extend that confidence to the entire process, from handshake to check collection, the people involved feel so much better and act happier. You could ask the customer to please pick up the smoking bit of debris that just popped out of his computer and skittered along the floor. If you act like it was exactly what you intended to happen, they won't question you. As long as nothing phases you but the most incredibly shocking things, the customer will usually feel that you have everything under control. This includes when you recoil in horror and run screaming for your car.
"I'm sure he just needs to get some parts from Mexico or where ever he said he was headed".
Keep your receipts!
(0) comments
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
|4:52 PM| Boring thought associated with my job:
Construction screws can be grouped immediately into kingdoms but the shape of the top of the screw. The kingdoms are Phillips, Slotted, Torx, and Bolts. (Though nuts are often associated with bolts, they are not of the screw class of objects, so they are not listed here)
The individual phyllums, orders and such are organized by the shape of the head on the screw, the threads, size, niche in the fastener world, and finally color. Some names are more common (rounded, flat, flush, squared) and are shared amongst the kingdoms. It is important to specify in which kingdom the rounded screw you refer to belongs, and so forth.
Stupid Link I found:
SCREW YOU
For all your Goddamn Bolt and Screw needs.
(0) comments
|4:32 PM| Bad story idea 352
A group studying crowd behavior realizes the truth of "God". (When separated by sound proofing walls, people still show certain signs of mob thinking in facility. As if they are still reacting to one another, despite having no obvious way of communicating)
"God" is merely a collective idea, a meme that is communicated by a medium not fully understood. Realizing the dark strange voodoo they are involved in, the people nickname the medium "ether" and begin to try to harness it.
The abilities are limited at first, and long-range instant communication is not usually worth the effort required to consciously contact through the ether.
Conflicts arise when the ability to manipulate some of the underlying motivations for large groups of people tempts researches into various political or financial gambits.
Bad Story Idea 353
Man claims that a bum in the area can fly, and uses this ability mostly to pester the guy at various ATM’s.
Bad story idea 354
Group must convince company rep that they have a stolen chunk of technology (a Briefcase AI, an incredible simulation unit, a huge power source….
It’s all a scam, but what from there, what does it mean. Team of talented graphics designers, showmen and a couple good hackers hide the seams.
(0) comments
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