Tuesday, July 13, 2004
A story of aquatic justice |1:46 PM| Back when I was in 4th grade, our classroom had a fish tank. In this modest tank were a variety of colorful freshwater fish, a catfish or two, a crab, and a medium sized frog. The frog lacked a real name, but I'm going to call him Jumpy.
Jumpy was the end result of a previous class project on metamorphosis. We had watched as he grew from a tadpole, to a tadpole with creepy appendages, to a little green frog. Weird stuff. He was added to the tank and fed daily.
I have no idea where we got the tiny crab, Pinchy, I assume he was purchased by the teacher. He lacked immediately obvious educational value. But seeing a little orange crab walk sideways and try to dig little holes in the gravel was fascinating to watch.
Pinchy was often trying to escape from the tank, usually by climbing the air tube. Upon reaching the top he would find he had nowhere to go, and a student would helpfully poke him off the air line so he could fall flailing his little pincers to the gravel. I would think he would have cursed like a true sailor, had he vocal chords. Or language.
One day, fish began turning up dead. We couldn't figure out what was killing them, but they were really torn up by whatever was offing the helpless bastards. Since one of Pinchy's hobbys was taking wild swings at the fish, he was the primary suspect. We couldn't deliver a death sentence, however, without proof. The crab had no idea it was living on borrowed time. The crab was likely not even aware it was alive, but that's beside the point.
At some point, an older student the teacher knew pointed out that our particular frog was very predatory, and was likely the actual cause of the fish killings. I still remember how the teacher described its hunting style, which was to "Wait" (She bugged out her eyes) "See something swim past" (Bugged out eyes begin roving) "SLOOOORP!" (A great deal of air sucked into her mouth, as her arms swung out and in to capture the imaginary fish. The process was obviously lethal.
After a special separation was put in the tank, the fish stopped dying, and Jumpy was forever in solitary confinement.
Pinchy continued to dig his holes.
Jumpy continued to swim, alone, in his minimum security prison. Until one day, Pinchy got under the wall. Jumpy (so far as I could tell) swam close to investigate his visitor, and to probably eat him. Pinchy, with skill gained through long months of being a crab, made a sudden swipe, and latched onto to Jumpy's nose.
Now, I almost never think an animal in pain is funny. It's usually sickening. But as my friends and I watched the murderous frog and his flailing passenger bounce off of every wall in the tank, we nearly pissed our pants laughing. Pistoning legs, and a crab holding as it was whipped like a flag in a hurricaine, that was pure comedy.
What could have possibly passed through the teeny tiny brains of those two? Jumpy, his whole existence now a blazing nostril pain, was probably thinking the frog equivalent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK JUMP MY ONLY CHOICE IS JUMP JUMP FUCK FUCK FUCK".
Meanwhile Pinchy, if anything was going on that ganglia case, was probably not "Oh shit I caught one and now I'm a big bird. Oooooh boy. Only thing I know how to do is pinch, so I'll PINCH HARDER."
Eventually, Pinchy tired or was distracted, and he fell off of his foe, unharmed. As for Jumpy, had it any ability to learn, I'm sure that frog would never have SLOOORP'd again.
A story of aquatic justice |1:46 PM| Back when I was in 4th grade, our classroom had a fish tank. In this modest tank were a variety of colorful freshwater fish, a catfish or two, a crab, and a medium sized frog. The frog lacked a real name, but I'm going to call him Jumpy.
Jumpy was the end result of a previous class project on metamorphosis. We had watched as he grew from a tadpole, to a tadpole with creepy appendages, to a little green frog. Weird stuff. He was added to the tank and fed daily.
I have no idea where we got the tiny crab, Pinchy, I assume he was purchased by the teacher. He lacked immediately obvious educational value. But seeing a little orange crab walk sideways and try to dig little holes in the gravel was fascinating to watch.
Pinchy was often trying to escape from the tank, usually by climbing the air tube. Upon reaching the top he would find he had nowhere to go, and a student would helpfully poke him off the air line so he could fall flailing his little pincers to the gravel. I would think he would have cursed like a true sailor, had he vocal chords. Or language.
One day, fish began turning up dead. We couldn't figure out what was killing them, but they were really torn up by whatever was offing the helpless bastards. Since one of Pinchy's hobbys was taking wild swings at the fish, he was the primary suspect. We couldn't deliver a death sentence, however, without proof. The crab had no idea it was living on borrowed time. The crab was likely not even aware it was alive, but that's beside the point.
At some point, an older student the teacher knew pointed out that our particular frog was very predatory, and was likely the actual cause of the fish killings. I still remember how the teacher described its hunting style, which was to "Wait" (She bugged out her eyes) "See something swim past" (Bugged out eyes begin roving) "SLOOOORP!" (A great deal of air sucked into her mouth, as her arms swung out and in to capture the imaginary fish. The process was obviously lethal.
After a special separation was put in the tank, the fish stopped dying, and Jumpy was forever in solitary confinement.
Pinchy continued to dig his holes.
Jumpy continued to swim, alone, in his minimum security prison. Until one day, Pinchy got under the wall. Jumpy (so far as I could tell) swam close to investigate his visitor, and to probably eat him. Pinchy, with skill gained through long months of being a crab, made a sudden swipe, and latched onto to Jumpy's nose.
Now, I almost never think an animal in pain is funny. It's usually sickening. But as my friends and I watched the murderous frog and his flailing passenger bounce off of every wall in the tank, we nearly pissed our pants laughing. Pistoning legs, and a crab holding as it was whipped like a flag in a hurricaine, that was pure comedy.
What could have possibly passed through the teeny tiny brains of those two? Jumpy, his whole existence now a blazing nostril pain, was probably thinking the frog equivalent of "FUCK FUCK FUCK JUMP MY ONLY CHOICE IS JUMP JUMP FUCK FUCK FUCK".
Meanwhile Pinchy, if anything was going on that ganglia case, was probably not "Oh shit I caught one and now I'm a big bird. Oooooh boy. Only thing I know how to do is pinch, so I'll PINCH HARDER."
Eventually, Pinchy tired or was distracted, and he fell off of his foe, unharmed. As for Jumpy, had it any ability to learn, I'm sure that frog would never have SLOOORP'd again.
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